Its been a minute!

Merry Christmas everyone! It's that magical time of the year when the weather gets cold and the Christmas tree gets pulled out of the attic to decorate! I love the winter time! Well, my last post had me taking my post operative PETSCAN to find out if the surgery got rid of all of the cancer. The scan was inconclusive so I have to get another one done in February. The doctor told me there were some remnants still showing up in my scan, but it could be from the surgery and also the chemo and radiation leaves traces from the procedure.
Physically I feel better every day! I am able to do all the things I used to do before my surgery,(except wipe my butt!) without much of a problem. The side effects from the IV chemo are still affecting me. Sensitivity to the cold is in effect! Wonderful that I get to feel this during the months of December and January! Lol!
Mentally I am used to the colostomy bag now. I can sleep well wearing my bag and I can finally spoon with my wife again! I am a BIG spoon fan people! The transition from surgery to being recovered is almost complete! I have just a little bit of discomfort when I sit for too long, but nothing like it was a month ago. It feels sooo good to be over the hump there! It taken a minute to get back to "normal", but its been worth the wait!
My band is back laying tracks for a CD we're working on. Work is not a problem either. At first I would get tired half-way through the day, but I would push through it and make it allright. Now I feel pretty normal at the end of the day! I have had one episode of diarrhea while at work and it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. But I am NOT looking forward to any kind of stomach flu or future bowel battles! Whew! Not being able to control your movements is a strange thing to wrap your head around.
My Mom is putting the finishing touches on her website for the colostomy cover she invented for me. We're hoping that we can help other people get their dignity back. When I first came home after the surgery I was self conscious of the bag flopping around in my sleep. I didn't like the way it just bopped around under my shirt so I told my Mom and her lifetime of experience in the garment industry led her to create this cover for me to use. After some trials and errors in the design I think she hit on one that will benefit men and women going through life with a colostomy bag. It's just a little peace of mind to have when you are getting back into the swing of thngs and the last thing you want is a swinging bag of feces on your hip! I will post the website and all of that info here in the next couple of weeks! When life hands you lemons, well you just make some lemonade people right?

Lets talk about chemo side effects today!

Before I had my surgery I underwent one month of chemotherapy and several rounds of radiation. When I began the chemo pills and IV treatments I didn't notice any side effects at all! I thought I was special! Thought that maybe my body was superhuman and I wasn't going to feel any different after it was done! Well after my surgery is when I found out how much the radiation affected my recovery. My ass was split in half when they took out my rectal muscle and when they stapled me back together I guess the meat underneath was burnt pretty bad because I was miserable as I recovered at home. I couldnt find a comfortable position to sleep in for weeks on end. It felt like I was sitting on a grapefruit sized mass of pain! Now it has subsided to about the size of a walnut. Still hurts a bit if I spend too much time on my butt, but not as bad as the beginning recovery time.
I am so tired of taking pills to deal with the pain of it! I officially hate loratabs and pain meds because I have never been a pill taker and I hate that I have to rely on them for my comfort! God bless the makers of them, but I just despise the process of pumping my body full of un natural things. I wish I could just use my mind to get over any feelings of pain I feel. Well I doubt thats going to happen any time soon! I am only human after all.
Well last Thursday I started up on my last four months of chemo and now I am experiencing all sorts of crazy side effects that I didnt the first time around! When I touch something cold it feels like I am being shocked by electricity! When I drink a cold beverage it feels like my mouth is full of 9 volt batteries and they are shocking me. Even as I swallow! Shocking me all the way down! Fricking crazy! If I start to lose my damn hair I am going to laugh my bald ass off! I am so damn ready to have all of this medical drama over with! Cancer sucks balls people! If I had known I was going to be going through all of this I would have taken better care of my butt over the years! I ask all of the guys out there reading this to go get checked out as soon as possible! A colonoscopy doesnt hurt at all! If you catch it early it's treatable and you dont have to go through all of the crap I have had to experience! You don't want this drama guys! It doesnt make you a better guy if you live through the pain! It just makes you a guy that gets to feel a bunch of bs! Get checked! Don't be a punk! I was a punk thinking I was all good! Well I wasnt!
Had my post-operative PETSCAN on Friday to check that they got all of the cancer out from the surgery. I get to wait until Monday to find out results! If they find any other cancer I am going to be livid! I have gone through enough over these last four and a half months! I dont need any more crap to deal with and neither does my family! So wish me luck, pray if you want. I am just going to wait and see what the cards hold! I am going to go watch some football, visit my brother and spend a Sunday trying to relax!

To Pee or not to pee, what's an erection?

William Shakespeare, my apologies for the title of my latest cancer rant! I have slowly gotten better each day since coming home from this rectal surgery, but my ability of urination w/o hesitation has been a pain in my ass! Am I allowed to use that phrase anymore since I have no inner ass to speak of? I guess I made the sacrifice so I can still say it, but i feel as though I am on the hunt for a new catch phrase to express myself! Hard to put into words, but it still doesn't feel 100% normal when I pee! My bladder feels half empty most of the time after I pee and I have to go more to feel "normal." It's still better than it was over a month ago when I was unsuccessfully shoving tubes down my penis to catch a flow, but it could be worse! I better get to the day that this stupid colostomy bag is the only worry I have damnit! Speaking of worries my ability to get an erection isn't a problem, but my ability to have a normal orgasm has been hindered as well. Sorry to those reading, but I pull no punches here. If you don't want to know, quit reading the blog now!
My surgeon advised me to work the muscle or I may lose it! So I have been cleared to masturbate! Never needed permission before, but hey at least now I have a valid argument when my lovely wife asks why the hell I have a million viruses on my computer! The erection feels 75% normal. I can fight through that! Fought through worse! But the actual act of release feels really weird. Really weird. The first time I attempted manual manipulation the semen spilled out yellow and runny! Like cough syrup runny and it didn't shoot out! Fricking weird man! WTF? Anything else? What a predicament! I can't lose this along with my ass! Before this surgery I was a pretty frisky guy and I won't accept that that part of my life is over yet! So I will do what I have to do but it's different when beating off is like calculus homework (sorry Keith)! I was never a math wiz, but I can yank it with the best of 'em! Sorry to those offended! Including my wife! She is probably rolling her eyes right at this moment! Love ya babe!
Started back up on the chemotherapy yesterday and damnit if I didn't get side effects from my first treatment! Shit! When I had chemo before my surgery I didn't have any really. One of the two side effects were that when you touched something cold it would feel like an electrical shock. Got that! For about 6 hours after the treatment! Also when I drank a soda it felt like I had a mouth full of nine volt batteries shocking me all the way down my throat! WTF? Am I going to lose my hair now too damnit? This is the "Why ME" portion of the blog people! What the hell else do I have to experience as I go through this treatment? I am tickled that I can sit up in bed and go to work. I am grateful that I am feeling sooo much better today than yesterday, but is there a light at the end of this damn tunnel when all I will have to worry about is this colostomy bag? I want to get there asap! It has been going on four months of just feeling like shit in some way, shape or form and I am done! I don't think it's over yet folks so keep the prayers coming!
I really hope that everyone is doing well in their corners of the planet. I am here fighting the good fight and trying to keep the old chin up. It's not easy all the time, this thing called life, but it's the only train rolling right now so make the most of it! Love the ones you love as hard as you can. Appreciate your health whatever the status is. Always remember that tomorrow the sun will rise and another day is another chance to get it right. And remember that if you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at other people! Makes it easier to cope! For all of my whining, bitching, moaning and complaining I realize that I could have it alot worse. No doubt that it could be.
I have to go get my post-operative PETSCAN done today. That's where they inject glucose into your bloodstream, take a scan and the sugar shows any areas where you may have cancer. Fun, fun, fun! So I get to sweat out a few days of waiting on those results! Great! Until the next blog people!

Check the Oil While You're at it!

God bless the people who performed my surgery and the nurses at the hospital that helped me get well enough to come home. It is amazing what medical science can do sometimes! It's not a perfect science by any means though! As I told you in a previous blog I had 15 staples going down my stomach and 14 staples when they split my butt open like a cantaloupe! I had 2 tubes coming out of my butt cheeks that allowed for drainage. These were removed when I left the hospital. They left one hole in my taint that continues to drain yellows and greens to this day!! It's like BP was in charge of my operation and they couldn't plug the leak! At least no sea life will be harmed!
Now every two weeks I have to go to my surgeons office and he violates that hole with a Q-tip about 12 inches long! Every time he does this it knocks me out for at least 2 days!It is like having a gunshot wound and poking it with a stick every couple of weeks! The penetration is like being hit with a sharp needle right on a nerve! It makes me white-knuckle the hospital bed every time people! A month ago the q-tip went about 6 inches deep inside of me and when the doc pulled it out it was completely red with blood. Two weeks later he tried again, but I had to work the next day so I denied him the pleasure! Well this last Wednesday I had another appointment with Dr. Feelbad and he did the deed....ugh! The q-tip only went up 3 inches this time so I am healing, but the pain is just a trip! So is the after effect! It's like I am just home from the hospital all over again! I recover eventually, but I eagerly await the day that this hole is healed up completely!
Walking at work has really helped me firm up the muscles I had lost. I am up to about 142 lbs! Just a few more to go. I need to start doing some sit-ups and get my stomach muscles back in shape. It is going to be interesting trying to do it with my lil' stoma sticking out! Sooooo sexy! I used to be so good looking! lol!
The road to recovery has been quite the eye opener on so many levels! I have so much more respect and admiration for the people that go through serious operations. If you know anyone that is going through anything medical do what you can to make them comfortable and that you are there for them! I had alot of friends and family reaching out to me from the start of this journey down cancer highway and I wouldn't have made it w/o them!
I start up my last round of chemotherapy on Thursday of next week. I go in to the hospital once a week for about 3 hours to get my I.V. chemo. I take the chemo through the I.V. 3 weeks on and one week off. So over the next 4 months I will have 12 "treatments." I am taking Oxiliplatin through the I.V. At the same time I also have to take chemo pills of the drug Xeloda. These pills are taken on a 2 weeks on 1 week off rotation. 6 pills a day. three in the morning and three at night. When I had chemo(same schedule) before the surgery it didn't weaken me or make me lose any hair so here's hoping we can repeat that!
Sitting here watching OUand Missouri on Saturday Night college football with the family. I can actually sit! That's something I took for granted before! Just sitting is a beautiful thing! looking forward to the day when i can just plop my butt down and not have to worry about the repercussions!
Well that's about all for today! Work was good. Dinner was good. The game, so far, is good. I will write again later and let you know how it's going! Ubtil then! Take care of dat ass!

Getting Back on Track

Good day everyone! I hope this blog finds everyone doing well and really taking the time to enjoy their lives to the fullest! I have started back full time to work and it feels great to contribute to our budget at home! Honestly we were a couple of weeks away from getting way behind on bills so I really needed to get back to making my share of the money here. The stress of that is one of the things you don't need when you are trying to heal up from a major surgery. It was a motivator though! If I had my way I would have had two more months off to get to 100%, but walking at work has helped me get back some leg muscle that I had lost!
I lost about 25 pounds from the surgery and not eating steadily when I came home. I weighed about 160 going in and I am still trying to break the 140 barrier! I weighed this much in high school! If I went to a reunion they would say, "You haven't changed a bit!". Then I would pull down my pants and show them I had no asshole to speak of and I would say "Really?" I used to be able to poop like a normal man! This colostomy bag life is a trip! I have found that when I eat chinese food, mainly rice I think, that it makes these little rabbit turds! Easy to digest and clean up! I think rice is AWESOME! When you have a colostomy bag it is imperative that you make it as easy as possible to clean up and empty your bag. Having thick stool is NOT fun! Cramping from what you eat isn't what you want! Pasta seems to do this to me and I LOVE pasta man! It totally sucks that I may have to cut that out of my diet!
I think I may have to go buy some protein shake mix to gain my weight back. I am eating enough, but I need to get up to at least 150 pounds. That's about 15 pounds I need to gain before I feel good about the shape that I am in.
I went out back and did some yardwork this morning before football started. I have made it a point that on my days off I just don't lay around. I need to keep moving so I don't go backwards in my physical recovery. I was really sore and exhausted the first few days that I worked, but each day I hurt less and less. If I could share anything with anyone going through this type of recovery it would be to walk as much as possible as soon as possible. Don't give in to what your body is telling you! Push yourself as much as you can and then push some more! We are capable of much more than we think! When I was shuffling down my block I was miserable, but I kept walking. I should've been doing it a couple of weeks earlier, but I had let myself buy into how bad I felt. The mind is a beautiful thing, but it can trick you too if you allow it. I am stronger every day now and I plan on staying on this path.
Thats about it for now. I have to check on my fantasy football league to see how I am doing so far today! Until next time America!

Does this colostomy bag make my ass look big?

Well it's Sunday morning, everyone is asleep and the house is quiet. I woke up at around 5:30 this morning and made camp on the livingroom couch. I haven't had a full nights sleep in what seems like forever! I am averaging about 4 hours at a time now. That's an improvement from when I first came home from the hospital. I was getting 2 hours at a time then and it was a bitch! It's hard to sleep through the entire night when your body doesn't allow you to.
I can't wait for Tuesday when I go back to work! I am anxious to see how it goes! I know I am going to watch my diet the day before so I am not digesting food while I am at work. It's a totally different feeling when your colostomy bag is filling up than when you just normally feel like you have to go #2. There are little cramps involved sometimes and a little gas too depending on your diet. I haven't done this yet, but I need to start a diet diary to keep track of what I am eating, how fast it moves through me and how certain foods make me feel. It's another thing on my to-do list for myself. I need to move it up higher on the list!
I am trying to remember some other experiences that I can relay to all of you.....I am still not peeing normally. The surgeon said the nerve endings around my ass and bladder were irritated during the surgery and regular function may take a minute to return. Well it's been a minute! I can't even think about sex right now! The ability to get an erection is there, but with peeing being a bitch and a half I can only imagine what having an orgasm would feel like! I am nervous about that! It may hurt! Before the surgery the radiation made it feel like my orgasms would start up, but then pull back on its own. There are alot of "extra" things you go through that the doctors don't tell you about with this kind of surgery. I hope that this blog is informative on some level about these "extras".
I am going to watch some football today, take my lap around the neighborhood and maybe even clean up my computer desk area. In two months alot of crap has accumulated on and around it and it looks like crap! I also have to look through a medical catalogue and order some supplies. You would be amazed at how many different colostomy bags there are! The world is full of different people so I guess different sized colostomy bags are needed. I think we can come up with a design that is more comfortable and easier to attach and remove. There are adhesives involved in putting a bag on and it can pinch your skin when you take them off. I have some ideas and I am going to look into them as I live with this change in routine.
That's about it for now folks! As always I hope everyone is doing well out there. Take time out of your day to smell the roses!

The Vanishing: The Story of my Ass!

Good evening anyone and everyone! Thanks for the last comment Steve! Hope The City is treating you well. I am still fighting through the battles, but I am gaining ground on a daily basis.
Today I want to share, with all of you that read this blog, some more insight into what I went through when I came home to recover after surgery.
I arrived at home with 15 staples going down my navel and 14 staples holding my butt together. I was hurting up top and down below. I never had been a pill taker, but after a couple of days I was taking my pain meds right on schedule! Trying to get out of bed required rolling to my left. No such thing as sitting on 14 staples and getting up easily out of bed folks! Physics wont allow it! I became very adept at having everything I needed within arms reach as well.
Cable remote..check...loratabs...check....water...check. In fact at a point a few weeks ago I realized that I was getting too good at it! I wasn't getting around as much as I should so I started to exercise.
I had a physical therapist coming to the house twice a week to run me through some very basic exercises. After the first day I was sore like I had run a marathon and all I had done were a few squats and some leg raises! I was terribly out of shape. I had no idea that laying on my back for four weeks could cause me to fall apart so quickly! My energy level was low as hell too! I didnt sign up for this bullshit! I signed up for the cancer where you get the tumor removed and youre back to living life in a couple of weeks! Someone didnt get my memo! Theyre fired as soon as I find out who!
My Mom lives in North Carolina and she wanted to come out on the first plane and take care of me! I was sooo anti-social when I came home though that I rarely picked up a phone let alone had visitors. I didnt like seeing myself all helpless and shuffling around. Sure as hell didnt want my Mom to see me like that either. While going through all of this we came up with an idea for a belt to wrap around your waist and keep the colostomy bag stable. Almost like a cumberbund for a tux, except you wear it underneath your shirt. She has designed something pretty badass and she is hoping that this can lead to an actual product that others can benefit from as well! She has many years of fashion experience and the connections to make it work so wish her luck! I will keep you guys posted on the status of that as it emerges.
I have watched waaaaay too much cable tv over the last couple of months. I watched Rush Hour 2 about 20 times! Love Chris Tucker! I watched ALOT of Comedy Central and SportsCenter! I am ready to pick up a guitar, plug it in, turn it up loud as hell and JAM!!!! I will be pursuing that as soon as I can! There has got to be a few good songs I can get out of this experience! Maybe a movie!?
Back to the vanishing of my butt........I have a little more ass now that I have been getting around, but I am not back to full assedness yet! A couple more weeks and I will have the nicest, untappable butt in the Metro! I have gotten my weight up to 138 but I need to gain at least ten more pounds to get back to pre-surgery weight.
My body digests foods alot faster now because there is no wait station!I dont feel that urge to poop like I used to. It just comes when it comes and theres no holding it back! That is a trip! By the way, I can still fart! It sounds the same and everything! Downside is there are no silent farts anymore! No control over stopping an oncoming flatulence event! I fart when I fart and how are you today? What are you looking at? Cant wait for all of these moments as they happen! This is going to be awesome! So thats kind of cool for me! Kind of gross, but cool at the same time!
I went to my oncologist the other day and he doesnt want me to start my last round of chemo until I am completely healed up. I wasnt about to even if he wanted me too! The chemo kicks your immune systems butt and I dont need holes in my body at the same time! Hopefully my one little "hole" will close up in the next few weeks and I can get the chemo out of the way.
See,they cut open my ass, removed the tennis ball sized tumor and then stapled my ass up but they left a hole right at the tip of my "taint" for drainage....GROSSEST THING EVER!! My surgeon likes to stick foot long Q-tips up there and make my life Hell every couple of weeks too! Feels like a needle sticking me when he does this and I know I go white each time he does! Then I thank him as I am leaving! Its like thanking a cop for a ticket as he's walking away! So every day I get to change gauze pads nestled between my cheeks...It aint pretty folks! Beats dying though! I know once I am to the point of just having a colostomy bag to deal with this wont be so bad. Its still a pain in the ass though! Lots of love to anyone out there going through some pain right now. Keep your heads up! Talk to you later!

I am finally back!

Good Monday everybody! I apologize for taking so long to get back on here and tell about my time right after surgery. There is alot of catching up to do so pour yourselves a drink, smoke 'em if ya got 'em and allow me to get you all up to speed.
My surgery was smooth. I stayed in the hospital for several days before I was finally allowed to go home. While I was in the hospital a few strange things happened. One night I had a dream that I was naked in my private bathroom trying to go pee while two nurses tried to get me to lay back in my bed. I also pulled out the tube I had going down my throat in this dream. Well it turns out the next day that it really happened! I dont know if it was the drugs they had me on or what, but I was so embarrassed! I cant believe I pulled that tube out of my throat without hurting myself! Hospital drugs......WOW!
The first few days they had me on a liquid diet. Jello, broths, puddings....sucked! I hadnt eaten anything solid in about a week and I was sooo ready for a Dominos pizza or something! Once I got on a solid diet and was able to shuffle around the hospital halls by myself I was cleared to go home. I think I got home around August 5th.
The first couple of days back home were pretty much a blur. I dont remember too much except just laying in bed alot! I was getting visits from home health care nurses every couple of days. They would take my vitals, ask a few questions. They were very caring and sympathetic nurses. Unfortunately I was having trouble peeing when I got home and one of them had to give me a catheder. For those not in the know its a tube they stick down your penis and into your bladder. The tube felt like a garden hose and I was about to faint people! My wife was holding my hand and I was crossing threshholds of pain I never knew existed! Child birth could only hurt this much! Props to all of the females out there! So I not only had a colostomy bag on my waist I also had a tube going down my penis. I was soooo miserable guys! I didnt want to be around anyone!
I just have to give my wife Jaurita alot of respect and love for being here for me and watching me go through this. She was there in the bathroom with me the first time i had to change my colostomy bag. I was so weak that she was doing most of the work. When a person will handle your poo you know theyre the one for you! She is amazing. I am extremely lucky to have her in my corner because I am such an asshole sometimes! LYSB!
I didnt answer my phone much or talk to too many people those first few weeks. It was hard getting my strength back at first. Did I mention that I lost twenty pounds! I go through chemo no problem and the surgery kicks my ass to the tune of twenty pounds! I weighed 158 going in and a few weeks later at home i weighed myself for the first time and I was down to 132! That scared the hell out of me! I had to start eating alot of food! Problem with that is that my body is still learning to digest through the bag and the scar tissue going down my pelvis is hardening and screwing with my guts! Fun Fun!!
Whats terrible is that about a week later I was getting out of the shower and I caught a profile of myself in the bathroom mirror. Ladies and gentlemen I had ZERO backside! My ass had completely disappeared! I think ten of the twenty pounds I had lost were from my butt! I was just staring in the mirror asking myself "Really?" Sooo gross just looking and seeing that. Vanity is a mofo! That motivated me to get up and move around a little more.
I had to go back in the hospital over a weekend because I had an intestinal blockage. The scar tissue on my stomach wasnt getting stretched out enough for food to pass through my intestines. I had to go on a liquid diet for a day and drink some stool softener. A few weeks later I started feeling it again so I took care of it myself at home doing the same thing! I am not a big hospital fan!
So now I have been taking daily walks through the streets of my neighborhood. Even when I feel like crap I push myself out the door. I realize that is the only way I am going to recover from this faster. Its easy to lay in bed and moan in pain. Been there done that! It is the hardest thing I have EVER been through! Physically and mentally! I have gone through the gamut of emotions as well. I have cried a few times because I felt like such a burden and because of the pain I was experiencing. Depressed? You betcha! Sometimes i would have to sing some Bob Marley in my head to keep the old chin up! Worked most of the time!
I am now one week away from trying to go back to work. I am not 100% but I think I can handle a couple of days a week now. I need to get back because I am sick of watching tv! I have to get out of this house and get back to living my life! Its still going to be a minute before I am back to normal, but I can handle that.
I still have four months of chemo to get through. That will start back up in the next few weeks. Chemo didnt bother me before so hopefully it wont this time either! That about i! There are other days I can write about and i will do that on the next blog! Sorry I took so long! Hope everyone is doing well and taking the time to smell the roses! Talk at ya soon!

First day after surgery....

Well good morning everybody! I am sitting here, tubes sticking out everywhere and letting the morphine work its magic! I have had 4 different nurses in the last 12 hours come through these doors and poke at me! Fun, fun! I am wanting to get up and walk around already! It seems almost dream-like, lol. wait that's probably the morphine! My frigging throat is dry and all I can eat are ice chips.....about sick of that shit! I am feeling irritable. I want to eat. I want to drink something. I want to walk. I want to get dressed and get the hell out of here! I don't have my own room either. Got a roomie that broke his pelvic in several places. He is a moaning s.o.b. Poor guy!
I cant wait to get the hell out of here already! Not much to do right now, but lay here and heal up. My wife is sitting here next to me reading a newspaper. That must be pretty boring! Looks like its going to be a hot week in the metro! Got the news on in the room now. Seems like I am getting sleep in 20 minute increments. I have tubes in my nose that go down my throat. That feels weird! Oh! I have a catheter in my penis! WOW! A tube going right into the ol' Johnson! That is strange! Doesn't hurt thank God! But it is crazy looking down and seeing that!
Well I am going to sign off for now! I will get back on later people! Take care guys and girls!

Goodbye to Poopin'

If you know me at all, you know that I am not too worried about the fecal changes that are coming my way in the next 24 hours. It's going to be different certainly, but I really don't think it is going to be as dramatic as some would think. In previous blogs I have told you how I have had hemorrhoids several times in my life and if this operation can save me from that then it will be well worth the trade off!

In honor of this final day I am spending with my sphincter I am moved to write a poem, an ode if you will, to my butthole...I call it....

GOODBYE TO POOPIN'

--------------------------------

sung to the tune of "Goodbye to Romance" by Ozzy Osbourne

Today I sit here all alone, waiting for my ass to foam.

It's such a shame.

Everybodys saying prayers, I'm hoping that my butt is spared

from too much pain.

I say, goodbye to poopin'.

Goodbye my friend. I'll miss you!

Goodbye to toiletseats.

You'll never be seeing , be seeing my end!

Sitting here I know I'll miss, reading while I take a piss

and pinch a turd.

Colostomy is on my list. I can't believe it's come to this.

So hear my words.......

I say, goodbye to poopin' yeah!

Goodbye my friend. I'll see you!

Goodbye to my old ass.

I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end!

Well, the bag is on my side and I think the sun will shine again!

All the paper left behind, on my butt is now used on my skin!

I say, goodbye to poopin' yeah!

Goodbye tumor! I'll C-YA!

Goodbye to racing stripes!

I'll never have those, those skid marks again!

That about sums it up folks! I sit here today, after having to drink 2 bottles of magnesium citrate, and I wait to clean out my rectum one last time! I have had alot of good times with this asshole of mine! I have had it kicked, had it handed to me on a platter and have taken it all over the country in the process! I have enjoyed having the ability to fart IMMENSELY!! Hahahaha! I am going to miss farting most of all! That is the one thing I keep coming back to! I am going to miss farting for comic relief! My Mom sent me a whoopie cushion, might get some use out of that! My brother put an app on his I-Touch that has a bunch of fart noises! I can press it and say..."It CERTAINLY wasn't me!" "Don't look at me!" "My farts are sealed in plastic for your protection!"

I can feel the magnesium work through my gut....I think I better get to the bathroom and dirty up the pool! Talk to everyone later! Have a GREAT day! And don't forget to TAKE CARE OF YOUR BUTT!

It's The Final Countdown!!

So sorry it has been over a month since I last updated anyone on my status! I have been busy just living life and preparing for whats to come in the coming weeks. The family and I went on a vacation to Lake Eufala a little over a week ago. Getting out into the country and away from the city was FANTASTIC! I think Jaurita and I will retire to a lakehouse in the future now! She's a country girl, likes her fishing. I like it for the scenery. I am a nature lover! A hippy in the sense that I love the surroundings of the country more than cityscapes anyday!
Tomorrow I go in for my pre-op aapointment. They are just going to give me a rundown on what I have to do the days before my surgery. I know I get to drink 2 bottles of magnesium citrate to clean out my digestive system! One last gasp of excavation by my ass before it goes the way of the Do-Do bird! On July 28th I go in for the tumor removal surgery. Then its a few days in the hospital to recover. Then I will stay at home for a couple of weeks and get healed up. Getting a colostomy bag is going to be a trip! I am looking forward to adjusting to this new way of pooping! No more toilet paper for me! I am going green! Just doing my part to save Mother Earth! It's the least i can do after all the years I have killed countless trees wiping my ass!
Between you and I, this hasnt been too bad of an experience so far. Sure, I have had a bad day here and there. I think the radiation is the main culprit for the bad days I have had. The chemo made me a little sick, but nothing too dramatic. I compare it to a tequila morning after. Yeah, you get sick, throw up a little, but it passes. And at least you don't wake up with some girl you THOUGHT was beautiful the night before sleeping on your chest, curled up on you like you a kitten! So not too bad!
As I have gotten further away from the radiation treatment my bowel movements have gotten alot more manageable. In the latter stages I would be sweating any time I had to take a shit. Literally sweating! I was getting hemorrhoids EVERYTIME i had to drop ther kids off at the pool! EVERYTIME! It made me want to rip out my ass myself! Made me long for the surgery so i could just be done with it all! My ass refused to go quietly into that good night!It was clawing and scratching at me trying to get my attention! Well it got my attention allright! It made me hate it! Now as I get closer to surgery my ass has calmed down in its antics and it almost seems like it knows the "end" is near! Hahaha! Take that you piece of crap booty! You are soon to be history! Be gone foul demon!
I was able to work some days over the last couple of weeks. It was nice to get out of the house and spend some time away from these four walls. While I was away my friend Jon at work fell off a ladder there and broke his arm in 5 places! He's all ganked up now and it looks like he will be losing some movement in his right arm. All of the guys that work daytime up there are falling out! Granted there are only 2 of us! Hope you get better soon Jon! That just goes to my saying before that everyone has shit they have to deal with. My cancer isnt stopping me from doing anything with my arms, well maybe wiping my ass, but thats it! Jon was an avid softball player and now this has sidelined him in a way that may affect his mental well being. He is going to have to struggle with rehab and hopefully he can get back to some kind of playing shape. Put some thoughts and prayers out to him please.
It is going to be a challenge to work this colostomy bag into my life, but its not that big of a deal to me really. It is going to be different, but it's not that big of a game changer. If I was single it would put a cramp on my style, but I have a wife who loves me no matter what I have wrong with me so i am lucky in that respect. I won't have to explain it to any new conquests. "I think you're pretty sexy. Want to go boack to my place?" Then while we're getting all touchy-feely she says, "What is this?" I reply, "Oh, that's just my bag of feces!" NOT COOL! hahaha!
I used to say, and I still say, that everybody gets to deal with some kind of medical obstacle in their life. I have lived 43 years without too many complications. Just the occasional cold, hemorrhoids or flu were my worst moments. This is my Mount Everest. My rectal cancer has opened my eyes to what is important in my life in alot of ways. Damn shame it has taken this to do it. Granted, I've had a pretty good outlook on life my entire life. So I am almost to the surgery. I will be laid up for a minute afterwards, but I will try to get on here alot and keep you all posted as to whats going on! I promise that it won't be so long in between posts! Take care of yourselves people!

Another Day in the Life.....

Good afternoon campers! It is time for another installment of "My Ass is Collapsing". Boy this last week has been frigging unbelievable! Monday I had chemotherapy along with the usual radiation treatment. By Tuesday day I was falling apart! My gut was cramping, my ass was acting up and I was just miserable! I tell you folks I am looking forward to a colostomy bag! The doctors tell you to eat 5-6 meals per day to keep your weight up while you go through treatment. Well what they dont realize is that you have to have bowel movements too and when you get hemorrhoids EVERY time you have one it doesn't make your life any easier! My weight has stayed fairly consistent throughout so far, but yesterday(Wednesday) I spent the whole evening in my bathroom!
I don't pull punches on this blog. I tell it like it is. Every time I had to go I had to throw my body into the shower and then take a bath to let the swelling go down. Then I would collapse on the bathroom floor until the roids would come back because they werent staying put inside me! They kept wanting to make a repeat appearance...ALL NIGHT LONG! My poor wife! She has to look at me feeling like crap and there isnt really much she can do. Sorry babe! Wish this was over already! Soon enough though!
Like I said, I am ready for this colostomy bag! Are you kidding me? After a couple of months of this I am beginning to believe that my ass has been highly over-rated! I look forward to NOT having hemorrhoids! I look forward to NOT having radiation and chemo! I look forward to NOT sitting around my house feeling like crap! lol! So bring it on! Put me under, cut out what needs cutting and lets get this show on the road!
Shout out to everyone that has been following me on this journey into this crap! Cancer is not fun! If it was everyone would want some! Obviously this is not the case! No one wants this mess! Unforunately it is a disease that affects millions of people on a daily basis. I think I may have to do some kind of charity work to help others out while they go through this. Seems like the right thing to do anyways. Keep your heads up people! Whatever you're going through it could be worse! Stay strong and I will talk to you later!

Pains, Gains and Automobiles..................

Hello everyone! Hope this blog finds all of you well and in good spirits! I think I have to get back to work asap because just hanging around the house is driving me nuts! It is soo boring just hanging out here! Believe me there are some days where I am happy for the opportunity to take it easy and not move around too much! I am looking forward to the surgery! How crazy is that? Still haven't won the lottery yet...A few million dollars would make life ALOT easier in alot of ways! Probably be able to afford some experimental surgery that would save me from a colostomy bag! But in my research I have found no such surgery. The chemo last week kicked my butt a little. What is weird is that I am feeling soreness in my radiation area. I think I am frying my ability to father children! It feels like my "tubes" are getting fried! I guess it doesn't matter anyways because my wife is "fixed!" Who needs a vasectomy? Just fry the sperm into submission! I can father children still. They'll just have extra appendages! Maybe an arm growing out of their forehead so they can just shovel food into their mouths! Maybe a third eye for REAL 3-D vision! Poor little sperm! They were just minding their own business and my ass had to stab them in the back!
Today is Fathers Day so HAPPY FATHERS DAY to all of the Dads out there! My brother and I are taking our Dad out to dinner tonight. Just the 3 Becker men sitting around a table and B.S.ing. Should be entertaining! My Dad and I can compare what pills we are taking! Funny how we have this in common!
Going through this has opened my eyes to the fact that I need to be following my dreams a little bit more because no one lives forever and I need to be enjoying every day as if its my last. My wife is being so supportive during all of this. So are the kids. It must be strange for them on their side of this. Can't imagine what they think of all of this. My friends have been amazing. Some are a little put off by the cancer and don't know what to say, but for the most part they have been outstanding! Props to them!
Just remember that we only get one shot at this life and what you make of it is up to you. Period. If you aren't happy, do something about it! It's not rocket science people! It's life! Get a clue and do your thing! As long as you're not hurting anyone get up, get out and get to living! I am! As soon as this is behind me I am going to make some changes that will make me a happier person! I am already planning my strategy! Stay tuned! lol! It's only going to get more interesting as this goes along!

PEACE!!!

More research and more questions

Its been over a week since my last post and I guess I should give you all a heads up on where my head is at these days! Since being diagnosed with rectal cancer I have been doing ALOT of reading on the subject and have come across many ideas about treatment and courses of action. I have been sent articles by friends on facebook and family as well. Thank you to those people that are praying for me. I am sure God is amused that people are praying for a 43 year olds anus! Like there aren't more pressing issues in this ganked up world we're living in!
My prayers go out to the people around the world who are having it just a little bit rougher than yours truly! There are ALOT of them out there. Meanwhile, back at my anus, things have been going smoothly. I had a week off from chemo. Both the IV and pills. Not a bad week at all! Yesterday I went back on them both, so let the ride begin again!
I have just been debating with myself if I want to get the permanent colostomy bag. I guess I could tell the surgeon to cut out the tumor, give me a temporary bag while my rectum heals and just change my diet drastically to avoid a recurrence of cancer in the future. It seems that once you start on the chemo version of a "cure" you cant go natural because the two counteract each other/ chemo and radiation kills both the cancer cells AND the healthy cells at the same time. So my immune system takes an ass kicking while the cancer cells are being laid to rest. Having a weak immune system doesnt sound like a very wise thing to have when one is about to undergo surgery and the healing process thereafter. It does not make sense! But I have already started down that road so.. I guess I will have to make it work for me!
I am intrigued by the ph levels in our bodies and how acidic levels tend to attract cancer as you get older. Having a diet more alkaline is supposed to counter this and I wonder if I can get the surgery for tumor removal and then try to alter my diet. I have already started doing this by eating better, but I havent totally commited yet. I am drinking healthy drinks and eating more veggies and fruits than ever before. My lovely wife has been on the lookout for anything that will help. She loves me! Back atcha Bunny! : )
Maybe by doing that I can avoid the permanent colostomy bag. Its a crapshoot to a certain extent I guess. I have the people that love me to take into consideration. If getting the bag can prolong my life and all I have to do is deal with it then maybe I should go that route. I just have to make sure this isn't a vanity issue for me. I don't want the only reason I don't get it to be because I am going to be embarrassed or sickened by carrying around my poop on my side! The stats say only 15-20% of anal cancer patients have to get a permanent bag..See! I told you i was special! 2 out of 10 and I qualify!
I have watched countless videos on youtube about colostomy bags and how they are installed, used, cleaned, dealt with on a daily basis etc..And it doesn't seem like too big of a hassle. One of the things that has me leaning towards just getting it done is the eradication of any future hemorrhoids! That is almost worth the price of admission right there! Because my ass, in my life, has given me too many problems with those! lol! It seems since the diagnosis that every time I take a shit I get one now! like it knows it's the last HURRAH and they re going out kicking and screaming! They will not go quietly into that good night! Little buggers! So that's a pro on my pros/ cons list. Cut them out and throw them away! Ill show you little guys! Drop you like a bad habit! It would be weird to have nothing but taint down there!?!
So the thought process continues. More research and more questions...My surgeon and I went over it all again last week and he's convinced that that is my best course of action, but do they know everything? I know they're far more knowledgeable than I on the subject, but it's my body and it's not stage 4 cancer. It's not a death sentence by any means so do I go for the medical cure or the natural? Like I said I am already committed to the chemo and radiation leading up to the surgery, but do I go temp or perm on the poopbag? Decisions, decisions. I will keep you guys updated. Let me know what you think? Talk to you all later. I will try not to stay gone for so long in between posts! lol! I know ya missed my dazzling intellect and witty wordplay! Right!!

Here we go!

Well, last night was a rough one folks! I don't know if I can attribute it to acid reflux or the chemo but I was dry heaving and throwing up pretty much all night and this morning. I havent gotten any real sleep because whenever I get horizontal my mouth starts watering....ugh! My face is swollen from lack of sleep and my eyes are totally evil red from the heaving! I look possessed! I was supposed to work tonight too dammit! I hate not working. It just makes for more stress in my mind. I know we're not going to lose the house or anything drastic like that, but our budget can't take too much of this crap! These next few months need to go by, surgery needs to get done and life must get back to some normalcy asap!
The family was going to Frontier City tomorrow, but I am going to have to take a raincheck on that. I just feel like getting wrapped up in blankets and sleeping! Surely it's because I am exhausted today. Maybe I will feel up to it tomorrow. Time will tell! I can't wait to be past all of this and read back on these posts.
Went in for radiation this morning and the machine was not working properly. Now I have to go back at 2:30 this afternoon to finish up what didnt get done this morning. "Would you like to come back later?" "No not really, but what choice do I have?" They're the professionals right? It will only take a few more minutes to finish up the radiation anyways so WTF! I will drag my sleepy butt into the car, drive down the street and get back here so I can sleep ALL night! I am soooo friggin tired! Again I don't know if its the chemo and radiation doing it or if its the "Acid reflux" making me sick. Personally I think I have more wrong with me than I care to know! I know at least that I only have rectal cancer! I dont have throat or stomach cancer causing this symptom. So thats something! lol! If I had known I was going to be going through this now I think I would've paid more attention to my body through my 30's! It is so easy to just blow things off as inconsequential. It's just this or its just that. No big deal. Well, sometimes it is folks! So listen to your body!
I have about an hour to kill before I go back for radiation. I guess I will do some research. Hope everyone has a great weekend! It's going to be friggin BEAUTIFUL out here! Like in the 90's! I love hot weather! I need to get better before the summer is over so I can enjoy some of it! Talk to you guys later! I think it's time to listen to some Bob Marley and get to feeling better!

So here's the latest...I am about 3 weeks into this radiation and chemotherapy routine and I am still feeling pretty good. I don't feel fatigued or sick from the meds yet. I am hoping that maybe I am one of the lucky ones that won't have severe side effects. My hair is still intact! I figured the radiation that they are shooting at my crotch and ass would give me the clean shaven genitalia of a ten year old! GOD! lol! That would be weird! But I guess its the chemo that does that as well....Cancer sucks folks! Too many damn things involved! I wonder how this disease got its start anyways? Have we had cancer all throughout mankinds history or is it just something that has come hand in hand with the industrail age? I used to think that everyone was getting cancer from all of the nuclear crap we've done since the 40's. Just all that crap floating around the earth making pitstops in bodies and making camp. Then I thought it was the junk we put into our systems ourselves! All the preservatives etc.. that we ingest probably doesnt belong there and it just festers in spots until you have tumors and whatever.
Lots of questions and very little answers! Hats off to those geniuses who devote their lives to trying to figure out this complicated puzzle!
Lately, I have been getting kind of angry at the whole situation! I was just minding my own business, living life and then BAM! I get this little nugget of information to process! Like I've said before I know I am not immortal. I know we all go take the next big adventure after this physical existence has ended, but now I am just pissed that I have to examine all these different aspects of my life in more detail! lol! Listen to me! I am mad because I am finally taking a closer look at where I am at and what i am doing with my time! We should all be doing this regardless of a medical diagnosis! When you really have the light at the end of the tunnel coming at you it puts your head in a strange, unfamiliar place. I question what is making me unhappy and do I want to waste the rest of what life I have left doing the same thing? What IS important to me? What do I want to see before I die? What do I want to experience before I bite the big one?
Now granted this could be 30 years down the line, but if not....there's no time to waste on bullshit anymore! I don't want to get more self-absorbed than I already am, but it's hard not to just want to take care of me and let everything else fall away. I can really be self-centered when I want to be. I am not perfect people! In fact, my ass is the shining example of that! I am flawed! I am human! I am no saint!
There is alot of stuff going through my mind this week and I can't get into all of it because it's too personal. If you know me though you will be hearing from me and I will let you in on what's going on. Just don't want to air out all of my crap here! My cancer stuff sure! The real personal stuff I have to keep seperate from this. Maybe I should start a blog about that! I can just be a blog writing fool! Too late!
Well thanks for tuning into The Gary Lee Becker Hour! Hope I entertained you! I will try to get back to a more humorous place over the next couple of posts, but today I am just not feeling it! I guess thats part of this damn process! Stupid cancer! lol! Making me take shit seriously! You got alot of nerve!

Here's something interesting for you guys to read.....

Here's a quote from Charles Swindon I found and damn if it doesn't explain my feelings of what I am going through on a few levels! Check it out. Read it to yourself. Realize the power behind it and do something with it! Your outlook should change! Allright I'll quit preaching! lol So I quote:

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company....a church....a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past....we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you.....we are in charge of our Attitudes."

That just kind of nails how I feel so far about my diagnosis of rectal cancer and my "attitude" in fighting the good fight. Whatever that means! I just don't feel like the disease defines me. Does that make sense? If this is my path I am going to walk it standing tall and pushing against the wind that comes at me. I don't think it's being strong or tough. It is just me being me because of my attitude!

THE GOLDEN TICKET THEORY

As promised today I will expand on my theory of the GOLDEN TICKET. When I was "diagnosed" with cancer I found that everyone around me was willing to do anything and everything to make my life a little easier! Family started sending gifts, friends called more and complete strangers were going out of their way to be nice to me! So all it took was a little cancer to get some love up in here? I should've got this years ago! I could've used it when my band was playing! Might've gotten a record deal! Seriously though the GOLDEN TICKET is just a funny way to make light of a serious situation. If we treated everyone around us like they were dying we might have alot more patience and compassion. Because everyday we are dying folks! This life will come to an end in some way, shape or form. So EVERYONE should have a GOLDEN TICKET in their pockets! Love a little harder, don't sweat the small stuff, stop and smell the roses and live like you are dying! I hate that damn song! lol. Couldnt get it out of my head for the first few days, but it's true! But you won't see me on a damn bull named Fu Manchu! The only bull I'm dealing with is the one in my ass!
For anyone that tried to get in touch with me yesterday I apologize for not answering texts or calls. I was feeling like complete crap! My hemorrhoids don't go away just because I have cancer I found out! I spent all day jumping in and out of hot baths, throwing up and all sorts of fun stuff like that! I looked and felt like shit!Back to normal today, but yesterday was NOT a good day to own Garys booty! By the time this is all said and done I will be ready to have a colostomy bag people! No more hemorrhoids are you kidding me? Sign me up and cut this ass out of me! I will deal with a bag of feces glued to my hip! I am not kidding! Only toothaches have kicked my ass more than these roids I get! Take 'em away! You can have them! Thats about it for now. I have radiation treatment again today. Only takes 10 minutes a day! Wish it was all quick like that!
Finally get to go to work and make some money on Saturday! My coworkers have been EXTREMELY cool to me! They've been donating money to help me get through this time. VERY VERY VERY COOL! I have some good friends there indeed! Looking forward to hanging with them this weekend!

First Day of Chemotherapy.....In the books!

Good evening everyone! Thank you for joining me for another fun-filled romp into the world of colorectal cancer! Today finds yours truly getting that first day of chemo under my belt. I was going to get radiation as well, but the first day of getting into a chair and having this oxiliplatin dripping into the port took almost 4 hours! At least they had cable TV and I was able to catch up on my Daily Show and Colbert Report episodes! I love me some comedy central! If you don't know that by now, you will never, never , never know me! Simply Red? Simply cheesy!

Like I said though first one down. I am only getting the IV chemo drug oxiliplatin once per week. Next time is on June 1st. Then they do a blood check the next week to check levels. White blood cell counts, red blood cell counts and platelets, that stuff. I feel normal. I find I don't go to the bathroom as much though. I don't know if I am afraid to get hemorrhoids again or if my intestines are trying to build up some "push" material since I cleaned them out with all of the laxatives I took over the last two weeks! If you don't mind "too much information" you came to the right blog people!

If there's going to be any side effects I dont think they will come right away, if they come at all. Mind over body people...check with me in a month and see if I am singing the same song!

Had a nice surprise from my wife this weekend! She kidnapped me and took me to McAlester for the I-Talian Festival! lysb! We stayed in a nice hotel, had some time to relax. It was very sweet and I think I needed it and didnt even realize it. She did good! If you know her, give her some props this week! My Golden Ticket strikes again! Have I mentioned my theory of 'The Golden Ticket?"

That will be the next blog! Goodnight everyone!

Garytime....Let me tell ya about it!

There's a thing in my world that my friends and family refer to as "GARYTIME". If there is someplace to be or something that needs to get done it always was done as my schedule allowed! If I tell you I will be there at 5, count on me showing up at 5:45-6:00. Granted I have never been late to work or to a gig, but just normal daily routines were done whenever I got around to them. Well this tumor is changing the way I operate and I not happy about it! Now I have to be places at certain times because my life depends on it! Ouch! Talk about karma! This kind of sucks!
I finally start chemotherapy on Monday May 24th. The doctors have all of the examination reports to work out my treatment plan now and we have a go date! My boss is working with me by giving me a few days a week. I am having to switch to nights so I can go to my treatments during the day. Hopefully I won't get too sick from the chemo and I can work full time while I do this! Bills don't go away because you have cancer folks! In fact you need money more! Sick, twisted reality check! Thank God we have insurance or I would be really screwed!
I have a pic of my lil butt buddy! Wanna see it? I have to download it...give me a minute! My wife has to show me how to do it! lol! Got to find a usb cord....I have to send it to her phone and she's going to send it to my e-mail. What a bunch of crap! Well it isn't working! Guess you will have to ask for your own viewing! Wait! Idea! I can charge $5 per person to look at my tumor! Is that prostitution? Spread the cheeks and look inside! Gather 'round everyone and come see the new sideshow attraction! I'd be lucky to make $5! lol.
If I figure out how to get the pic on here you know I will post it! I ain't scared to bear my butt to all of you! The outside is ALOT nicer than the inside now that's for sure! Hopefully the radiation will shrink it down. Where's Rick Moranis when you need him? You know, "Honey, I shrunk the kids?" Well here's a mass I'd like removed from my ass sir! Just aim your laser at my butt and shrink away! Maybe save enough skin to avoid the colostomy bag please! Well I have to go give a guitar lesson. I want to say more, but this kid won't leave me alone! Hahaha!

What do they put in that stuff?

The last few days have been all about appointments. I have another one today and another on Wednesday as a matter of fact! I will be the first to tell you that I am THE most unorganized person in my family. I am not a list maker, budget creator, stick to a set schedule kind of a guy. I have spent alot of my life just kind of "living in the moment". Having to remember every date and time for all of these appointments is really going to take some effort on my part. If you miss a chemo treatment I don't think there's a re-do!

Finally got my BARD implantable POWER PORT! The procedure is all about hooking you up with a temporary line into your veins right around your heart. This way when you get your chemo it gets pushed through your system quicker. At least that's what I think! Don't read this for professional advice I AM NOT A DOCTOR! But I have played Dr. before! The nurses were cool. One nurse even had to shave the top half of my chest hair off. I was hoping she could get the patches growing on my shoulders but she wasn't having any of it! Looks like the Doctor started on the left side and then changed his mind for whatever reason and put it on my upper right side of my chest. I have a pinpoint bruise where I think they might have tried to find a vein and maybe gave up! Who knows!

When I had my colonoscopy done I remember passing out as I rolled over onto my side. This time I was determined to try and see how long I could fight to stay awake! I was wheeled into the operating room at 6:55 p.m. The last time I saw the clock it was 6:58 and that was all she wrote! Even trying to piece it together now it's really foggy and unclear. The sequence of events tend to flow together. What do they put in that stuff? It is crazy how you can be awake one second and just zombified the next! It can be scary if you think about the risk ANY time you get put under by anesthesia. Probably use spellcheck on that one! They suggest cloudscape instead of colonoscopy! Is that a heavenly reference or what? Kaleidoscope is suggested as well? Weird.

I am out of here! Got to go to another damn appointment! Garytime is quickly changing into doctortime. I object! lol! Well I really have no choice now do i? I will post some more tonight when I get hme! Hope everyone is doing good! I am!

Straight Shootin' ( There's no other way to be!)

So today is Thursday May 13th, 2010. Roughly 20 days ago is when I went to my General Practitioner with a bad case of "my ass is falling!" Now it seems like this is steamrolling into a great deal of drama on a daily basis! My hemorrhoids( I NEVER knew how to spell that correctly until now!) went away and I had the colonoscopy only to reveal a small tumor behind curtain number 3! I want a new deal! Monty Hall has screwed me! I will take what's in the box!The box! Crap. No deal.
So I had begun to wrap my head around the fact that I had a tumor. I had accepted the fact that chemo and radiation were going to be my new best friends. But yesterday the surgeon that is scheduled to remove my tumor informed me that I would be looking at having a permanent colostomy bag......Really? seems that the tumor is just 2cm away from open air and if it was just 8cm or higher then the bag would be temporary.....Aw crap! Just hearing that kind of bummed me out a little. Of course that first thought was quickly replaced by "What? I won't be able to fart?" Thats my signature "go to" move! Will I have an actual butthole or is it all just gonna be taint? ....really? Weird!! I now apologize for the visual I am sure you all just experienced, but hey that's how I am wired! I have been looking up colostomy bags and pics and anything related and all I can say is, "It's 2010! Is this the best we have to offer?" Man! This is going to be weird people! But keep on keeping on right?
All kidding aside, I feel like I have been able to deal with the news of my cancer fairly well. I like to think I am a realist and that no one lives forever. I have been to a few funerals and had that epiphany about our mortal existence a long time ago. I also worked at a Memorial Park when I was younger and I saw funerals everyday for about 8 months, so it made me think about death(not that I'm dying! Don't freak out Mom!) and how everyone takes that journey. In a perfect world we would live forever and be whatever age we want to be! No diseases, no famine, no catastrophies, perfect! But we don't live in a perfect world people. Shit happens. To everyone at some time or another. One of the things that makes our species so great though is our ability to endure through struggle and step up to the fight. If we didn't possess that trait folks the human race would've died out a long time ago.
So as I step into the ring I am a little apprehensive, sure. A little scared, sure. But the only choice I have is to accept it and move forward and swing away. Really no other option for me. It's how I am wired. I am going to make jokes and I am going to drive my wife nuts. I'm sure there are going to be bad days. But damnit I am going to shrug it off because I know it could be worse. As bad as someone might think this is ,somewhere, somebody is going through something worse. I feel bad for THAT person. I don't feel sorry for myself. Why me? Well, why the fuck NOT me! I mean I know I'm special! Believe me I know! I tell my friends and family just that on a daily basis so they don't forget! But hell we're ALL special!
This is my last weekend before I start chemo treatments and radiation. I am going to eat everything I crave. Drink what i want to drink. I don't really drink, but I may this weekend! I will let ya know!

Chemotherapy Drugs and their possible side effects......Really?.... Poop!

Here's a site that lists chemotherapy drugs and their side efects. Yours truly gets a cocktail of Oxaliplatin and Xeloda! Fun fun! Reminds me of a song....

I'm not dumb , but I can't understand
How my ass got infected but I guess I'll just take some Xeloda...... Xe Xe Xe Xe loda!

Gotta love The Kinks.

http://www.chemocare.com/bio/oxaliplatin.asp

Prep work this week!

Well this week I am going to have a "port put into my chest. I am under the assumption that it is a tube that sticks out of my chest for the chemo they'll pump into me. That is going to be weird! Also this week a PETSCAN to see if cancer is anywhere else in my body. I am a little worried about that one! Hopefully my ass is the only infected area! Also this week I have chosen to quit smoking cigarettes. I refuse to smoke after I have been diagnosed! Just what kind of a wake-up call does it take to quit smoking?I just can't sit out in the hospital parking lot pulling on a smoke while others are walking in for their chemo treatments. Just seems wrong on SO many levels!
I have heard from a few people that chemo makes you sick and unable to work.Well just who is going to pay my mortgage and bills while I go through this? My wife is going to be stressed out enough helping me go through this and I refuse to add to our circumstances by being unable to work! I must try my hardest to nourish myself accordingly and be strong physically to make it through any nausea I feel while I go through this treatment. I have had practice with that already actually! I can work sick. I have done it a handful of times at work anyways!
Just a note to my Mom: I have started to read Chapter 5! Going to read it a few times so the good stuff sticks to my brain okay?
Thats all for this morning! I have to take my son to the hospital this morning to have his hand x rayed for a possible dislocation he got while wrestling this last weekend. I think by the time this is all said and done I will be pretty sick of hospitals! Here's hoping his wrist is just sprained. I will write more later!

So THIS is what cancer is?

Well, hello! My name is Gary Lee Becker and I have cancer! This is my first blog ever and I thought this was something I could do for myself and maybe for my friends and family too so they can keep up with what I am going through.
Let me get you up to speed. I have had hemorrhoids a handful of times in my life. But this last month I had a bout that wouldn't go away no matter what i tried! Finally, my wife insisted that I go to our doctor and get myself checked out. I am not a big "doctor" guy. I like to get over my colds and ailments with as little medical intervention as possible! I guess I like to believe that the human body can heal itself given the right diet and care. I have kept myself in pretty good shape throughout my life. My job has had me walking 8-12 miles per day for the last several years and I have weighed between 150-160 lbs my adult life.
Two days before my appointment I couldn't shit to save my life! Let me take that back. I could but i was afraid to because I didn't want the hemorrhoids to climb back out of my ass! I had spent four days trying to get them to just GO HOME! One hard push too many and all of my digital work would come undone! So to lessen the blow I took a couple of laxatives.......did I just say that? Lessen the blow..hahaha well I wasn't prepared for what was about to appear out of my backside that night! The last "movement" I had that evening was completely gray in color! In all of my 40+ years of taking a dump I don't recall EVER seeing anything gray make its way through my digestive system! It looked like little dollops of chocolate kisses completely void of color. I looked at the waste sitting at the bottom of my toilet and thought " What's wrong with this picture?"
When I went to Dr. Wilson I told him about my little gray visitors from the previous day and he suggested I get a colonoscopy just to be safe. He wrote me a prescription for a better hemorrhoid medicine and sent me home. The medicine did the trick and I got better over the next couple of days.
I thought the colonoscopy was just going to be verification that I needed to get some bad blood vessels taken out of my ass! Maybe I had spent too much time sitting on the toilet reading Sunday Papers and Entertainment Weekly and this was my asses way to get my attention!
Well when I go to my appointment for my colonoscopy the nurse gives me a prescription for a liquid that I have to drink the night before that will flush out my bowels, so that when Dr. James Cameron goes up my poop chute with the HD camera he's got an unobstructed view of my sphincter in all of its manly glory! One word about this liquid.....backsplash! I had to drink a gallon of this hell juice in one evening. I started at three in the afternoon and didn't get done with it until two in the morning. It didn't taste bad , but it felt like THICK water. Just a heavy, clear substance that looked like water, but it was just HEAVY in texture when you drank it. Man I thought the laxatives moved out the crap from my system! BOY HOWDY!!
This stuff had me pooping water in hours! I had to stay on a liquid diet the entire day of this so the only thing going through me was this liquid Draino! OMG!!!!!
Let me say it again! OMFG! Who created this stuff? What sick mind came up with the idea of throwing these certain chemical compounds together? Was it a practical joke by some scientist somewhere one night when his buddy spent the night? Instead of putting lipstick on his drunk buddy's face he had him drink this and then he crapped all over himself in his sleep! Again OMG! If I never have to drink this stuff again it will be too soon!
The next morning I woke up SO hungry! I almost had myself convinced that I didn't need to get this procedure done. My hemorrhoids had subsided to the point of bearability. Surely over the next couple of days they would only get better and maybe this was just a bad case of them this time. Don't sweat it , no big deal. Just call them up and cancel and I could go get a Big Mac and some super sized fries and just keep on doing my thing. Well, my wife wasn't about to let me do that. People say you're supposed to get these done as you get older anyways. Just go,she said. Get it over with and THEN you can get your McDonald's, she said. So I went.
Walking in to the doctors office I am not that concerned. I am told I will be medicated and probably asleep for the whole process so I just got undressed and waited to be taken into the room...the Smile Butt You're On Candid Camera Room! The doctor doing my colonoscopy bounces into the room humming a song that I know, but I can't place it. I think it's "Frankenstein" by The Edgar Winter Group, but he informs me that it's KISS' "She". I am embarrassed because KISS was one of my favorite bands as a kid. Ace Frehley got me wanting to play guitar! Well, the doctor just goes up a couple of notches in my book upon hearing that and I feel I am at least surrendering my ass' virginity to a guy with good taste in music! I mean latter day KISS sucks my balls, but the early stuff?? That shit is CLASSIC!!
As I am explaining to the doc how KISS got me into playing guitar I just pass smooth the hell out! I don't remember anything about any camera going anywhere near or in my butt! Oblivious! I had no recollection of it at all even after I got home from the event! You would think you'd remember your first anal encounter, but not me! Thank God I don't have to ever relive it! Unless there's another in my future...Oh man! They better drug me up again! I promised my wife though that I would never ask for anal sex again! Lysb!
While I was out the Doctor found several polyps and one "tennis ball" sized tumor in my ass! So THAT'S where I put that! Guess we found the prize at the "bottom" of my Crackerjacks box! The tumor, we're told, is malignant. Meaning NOT GOOD! The polyps wind up being benign. Meaning GOOD!
Great! Now I have to learn all of these new terms and stuff! Who signed me up for this anyways? The tumor is located two centimetres up inside my anus.Ass. The Rectum. Poop Chute. Logmaker. The Stink Factory. The 8th Wonder of the World! Whatever! It's there and I can practically reach out and touch this damn thing if I want to! Hell I probably did when I was trying to fix my hemorrhoids on my own before all of this! GROSS! I throw up a little in my mouth when I think about it!
My Doctor now tells me I need to meet with a specialist to discuss my next step. Man I am kind of spinning by this point! I thought just hemorrhoids and you're telling me Rectal Cancer? Should I even capitalize the name? Do I make it stronger in my subconscious if I capitalize it? How about rectal cancer? There, that's better!
The next day I meet with Dr. Janbay at Integris Hospital in Oklahoma City. He is a straight shooter. He comes across as well educated, caring and ready to just make this a bump in the road. No big deal is the vibe in the room. We zap it with chemo and radiation, do some surgery, zap it again and we should be good to go. Well that's the Readers Digest version anyways. There will be after care and yearly check ups for the rest of my life he says, but that's what happens when you get older. Shit starts to break down and we need adjustments! Guess I am about to get my exhaust pipes cleaned out! While you're down there Doc can you take care of that right nut? It hangs a little lower than the left and it makes me walk funny! I am just kidding! It's really the left one that hangs lower! My equilibrium is off!
Well tha's where I am now folks! next week I get a PETSCAN to check the rest of my body for signs of any spreading. Get to get a port implanted so they can give me my chemotherapy and I also get to get an ultrasound of my ass. If I can get a pic I am going to make it my profile pic on Facebook! That should be fun! I still haven't seen the video of my colonoscopy! It's my ass video! I want to see what is going on in my body damnit! I think it's my right! My insurance paid for it! I should get a copy! I don't think it's gross. I just want to be able to visualize just what it is I am fighting here. Kinda "put a face to the enemy" ya know?
I will post again later this week. Let you all know what is going on! sorry this first BLOG was so long, but like I said I had to catch you up to speed! See you in a minute!