Here we go!

Well, last night was a rough one folks! I don't know if I can attribute it to acid reflux or the chemo but I was dry heaving and throwing up pretty much all night and this morning. I havent gotten any real sleep because whenever I get horizontal my mouth starts watering....ugh! My face is swollen from lack of sleep and my eyes are totally evil red from the heaving! I look possessed! I was supposed to work tonight too dammit! I hate not working. It just makes for more stress in my mind. I know we're not going to lose the house or anything drastic like that, but our budget can't take too much of this crap! These next few months need to go by, surgery needs to get done and life must get back to some normalcy asap!
The family was going to Frontier City tomorrow, but I am going to have to take a raincheck on that. I just feel like getting wrapped up in blankets and sleeping! Surely it's because I am exhausted today. Maybe I will feel up to it tomorrow. Time will tell! I can't wait to be past all of this and read back on these posts.
Went in for radiation this morning and the machine was not working properly. Now I have to go back at 2:30 this afternoon to finish up what didnt get done this morning. "Would you like to come back later?" "No not really, but what choice do I have?" They're the professionals right? It will only take a few more minutes to finish up the radiation anyways so WTF! I will drag my sleepy butt into the car, drive down the street and get back here so I can sleep ALL night! I am soooo friggin tired! Again I don't know if its the chemo and radiation doing it or if its the "Acid reflux" making me sick. Personally I think I have more wrong with me than I care to know! I know at least that I only have rectal cancer! I dont have throat or stomach cancer causing this symptom. So thats something! lol! If I had known I was going to be going through this now I think I would've paid more attention to my body through my 30's! It is so easy to just blow things off as inconsequential. It's just this or its just that. No big deal. Well, sometimes it is folks! So listen to your body!
I have about an hour to kill before I go back for radiation. I guess I will do some research. Hope everyone has a great weekend! It's going to be friggin BEAUTIFUL out here! Like in the 90's! I love hot weather! I need to get better before the summer is over so I can enjoy some of it! Talk to you guys later! I think it's time to listen to some Bob Marley and get to feeling better!

So here's the latest...I am about 3 weeks into this radiation and chemotherapy routine and I am still feeling pretty good. I don't feel fatigued or sick from the meds yet. I am hoping that maybe I am one of the lucky ones that won't have severe side effects. My hair is still intact! I figured the radiation that they are shooting at my crotch and ass would give me the clean shaven genitalia of a ten year old! GOD! lol! That would be weird! But I guess its the chemo that does that as well....Cancer sucks folks! Too many damn things involved! I wonder how this disease got its start anyways? Have we had cancer all throughout mankinds history or is it just something that has come hand in hand with the industrail age? I used to think that everyone was getting cancer from all of the nuclear crap we've done since the 40's. Just all that crap floating around the earth making pitstops in bodies and making camp. Then I thought it was the junk we put into our systems ourselves! All the preservatives etc.. that we ingest probably doesnt belong there and it just festers in spots until you have tumors and whatever.
Lots of questions and very little answers! Hats off to those geniuses who devote their lives to trying to figure out this complicated puzzle!
Lately, I have been getting kind of angry at the whole situation! I was just minding my own business, living life and then BAM! I get this little nugget of information to process! Like I've said before I know I am not immortal. I know we all go take the next big adventure after this physical existence has ended, but now I am just pissed that I have to examine all these different aspects of my life in more detail! lol! Listen to me! I am mad because I am finally taking a closer look at where I am at and what i am doing with my time! We should all be doing this regardless of a medical diagnosis! When you really have the light at the end of the tunnel coming at you it puts your head in a strange, unfamiliar place. I question what is making me unhappy and do I want to waste the rest of what life I have left doing the same thing? What IS important to me? What do I want to see before I die? What do I want to experience before I bite the big one?
Now granted this could be 30 years down the line, but if not....there's no time to waste on bullshit anymore! I don't want to get more self-absorbed than I already am, but it's hard not to just want to take care of me and let everything else fall away. I can really be self-centered when I want to be. I am not perfect people! In fact, my ass is the shining example of that! I am flawed! I am human! I am no saint!
There is alot of stuff going through my mind this week and I can't get into all of it because it's too personal. If you know me though you will be hearing from me and I will let you in on what's going on. Just don't want to air out all of my crap here! My cancer stuff sure! The real personal stuff I have to keep seperate from this. Maybe I should start a blog about that! I can just be a blog writing fool! Too late!
Well thanks for tuning into The Gary Lee Becker Hour! Hope I entertained you! I will try to get back to a more humorous place over the next couple of posts, but today I am just not feeling it! I guess thats part of this damn process! Stupid cancer! lol! Making me take shit seriously! You got alot of nerve!