So THIS is what cancer is?

Well, hello! My name is Gary Lee Becker and I have cancer! This is my first blog ever and I thought this was something I could do for myself and maybe for my friends and family too so they can keep up with what I am going through.
Let me get you up to speed. I have had hemorrhoids a handful of times in my life. But this last month I had a bout that wouldn't go away no matter what i tried! Finally, my wife insisted that I go to our doctor and get myself checked out. I am not a big "doctor" guy. I like to get over my colds and ailments with as little medical intervention as possible! I guess I like to believe that the human body can heal itself given the right diet and care. I have kept myself in pretty good shape throughout my life. My job has had me walking 8-12 miles per day for the last several years and I have weighed between 150-160 lbs my adult life.
Two days before my appointment I couldn't shit to save my life! Let me take that back. I could but i was afraid to because I didn't want the hemorrhoids to climb back out of my ass! I had spent four days trying to get them to just GO HOME! One hard push too many and all of my digital work would come undone! So to lessen the blow I took a couple of laxatives.......did I just say that? Lessen the blow..hahaha well I wasn't prepared for what was about to appear out of my backside that night! The last "movement" I had that evening was completely gray in color! In all of my 40+ years of taking a dump I don't recall EVER seeing anything gray make its way through my digestive system! It looked like little dollops of chocolate kisses completely void of color. I looked at the waste sitting at the bottom of my toilet and thought " What's wrong with this picture?"
When I went to Dr. Wilson I told him about my little gray visitors from the previous day and he suggested I get a colonoscopy just to be safe. He wrote me a prescription for a better hemorrhoid medicine and sent me home. The medicine did the trick and I got better over the next couple of days.
I thought the colonoscopy was just going to be verification that I needed to get some bad blood vessels taken out of my ass! Maybe I had spent too much time sitting on the toilet reading Sunday Papers and Entertainment Weekly and this was my asses way to get my attention!
Well when I go to my appointment for my colonoscopy the nurse gives me a prescription for a liquid that I have to drink the night before that will flush out my bowels, so that when Dr. James Cameron goes up my poop chute with the HD camera he's got an unobstructed view of my sphincter in all of its manly glory! One word about this liquid.....backsplash! I had to drink a gallon of this hell juice in one evening. I started at three in the afternoon and didn't get done with it until two in the morning. It didn't taste bad , but it felt like THICK water. Just a heavy, clear substance that looked like water, but it was just HEAVY in texture when you drank it. Man I thought the laxatives moved out the crap from my system! BOY HOWDY!!
This stuff had me pooping water in hours! I had to stay on a liquid diet the entire day of this so the only thing going through me was this liquid Draino! OMG!!!!!
Let me say it again! OMFG! Who created this stuff? What sick mind came up with the idea of throwing these certain chemical compounds together? Was it a practical joke by some scientist somewhere one night when his buddy spent the night? Instead of putting lipstick on his drunk buddy's face he had him drink this and then he crapped all over himself in his sleep! Again OMG! If I never have to drink this stuff again it will be too soon!
The next morning I woke up SO hungry! I almost had myself convinced that I didn't need to get this procedure done. My hemorrhoids had subsided to the point of bearability. Surely over the next couple of days they would only get better and maybe this was just a bad case of them this time. Don't sweat it , no big deal. Just call them up and cancel and I could go get a Big Mac and some super sized fries and just keep on doing my thing. Well, my wife wasn't about to let me do that. People say you're supposed to get these done as you get older anyways. Just go,she said. Get it over with and THEN you can get your McDonald's, she said. So I went.
Walking in to the doctors office I am not that concerned. I am told I will be medicated and probably asleep for the whole process so I just got undressed and waited to be taken into the room...the Smile Butt You're On Candid Camera Room! The doctor doing my colonoscopy bounces into the room humming a song that I know, but I can't place it. I think it's "Frankenstein" by The Edgar Winter Group, but he informs me that it's KISS' "She". I am embarrassed because KISS was one of my favorite bands as a kid. Ace Frehley got me wanting to play guitar! Well, the doctor just goes up a couple of notches in my book upon hearing that and I feel I am at least surrendering my ass' virginity to a guy with good taste in music! I mean latter day KISS sucks my balls, but the early stuff?? That shit is CLASSIC!!
As I am explaining to the doc how KISS got me into playing guitar I just pass smooth the hell out! I don't remember anything about any camera going anywhere near or in my butt! Oblivious! I had no recollection of it at all even after I got home from the event! You would think you'd remember your first anal encounter, but not me! Thank God I don't have to ever relive it! Unless there's another in my future...Oh man! They better drug me up again! I promised my wife though that I would never ask for anal sex again! Lysb!
While I was out the Doctor found several polyps and one "tennis ball" sized tumor in my ass! So THAT'S where I put that! Guess we found the prize at the "bottom" of my Crackerjacks box! The tumor, we're told, is malignant. Meaning NOT GOOD! The polyps wind up being benign. Meaning GOOD!
Great! Now I have to learn all of these new terms and stuff! Who signed me up for this anyways? The tumor is located two centimetres up inside my anus.Ass. The Rectum. Poop Chute. Logmaker. The Stink Factory. The 8th Wonder of the World! Whatever! It's there and I can practically reach out and touch this damn thing if I want to! Hell I probably did when I was trying to fix my hemorrhoids on my own before all of this! GROSS! I throw up a little in my mouth when I think about it!
My Doctor now tells me I need to meet with a specialist to discuss my next step. Man I am kind of spinning by this point! I thought just hemorrhoids and you're telling me Rectal Cancer? Should I even capitalize the name? Do I make it stronger in my subconscious if I capitalize it? How about rectal cancer? There, that's better!
The next day I meet with Dr. Janbay at Integris Hospital in Oklahoma City. He is a straight shooter. He comes across as well educated, caring and ready to just make this a bump in the road. No big deal is the vibe in the room. We zap it with chemo and radiation, do some surgery, zap it again and we should be good to go. Well that's the Readers Digest version anyways. There will be after care and yearly check ups for the rest of my life he says, but that's what happens when you get older. Shit starts to break down and we need adjustments! Guess I am about to get my exhaust pipes cleaned out! While you're down there Doc can you take care of that right nut? It hangs a little lower than the left and it makes me walk funny! I am just kidding! It's really the left one that hangs lower! My equilibrium is off!
Well tha's where I am now folks! next week I get a PETSCAN to check the rest of my body for signs of any spreading. Get to get a port implanted so they can give me my chemotherapy and I also get to get an ultrasound of my ass. If I can get a pic I am going to make it my profile pic on Facebook! That should be fun! I still haven't seen the video of my colonoscopy! It's my ass video! I want to see what is going on in my body damnit! I think it's my right! My insurance paid for it! I should get a copy! I don't think it's gross. I just want to be able to visualize just what it is I am fighting here. Kinda "put a face to the enemy" ya know?
I will post again later this week. Let you all know what is going on! sorry this first BLOG was so long, but like I said I had to catch you up to speed! See you in a minute!